The Heartbreak Project

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Our breakup wasn’t just any breakup. It was especially painful and horrible because we wholeheartedly believed we were IT for each other and the realization that we weren’t snapped us in half like a film cut, but it’s okay now. We had our run, it was good (for the most part) and now we’re going our own separate ways. You found someone else and I’m happy for you. But I’m still not ready to see you, because I know it’s going to be hard.

It’s going to be hard because I don’t remember you not with me. I don’t know who you are outside of me. You’ve only ever been mine, kissing my fingers and putting your lips next to my ear. Watching you do these things to someone else will feel like a weird replay of my own past, only with someone else cast as me and I’ll just be watching it, confused and displaced and feeling too big for my chair.

It’s going to be hard because even though I don’t miss you, I still kind of do. But I don’t know why, I’ve checked with myself and I don’t want you back. I don’t miss your weird neuroses, your stubbornness or your chain smoking. I hated the fact that you refused to quit smoking on purpose, but it doesn’t matter now because I’m not the one who’s going to be single when you die. I bet you still don’t think you’ll get cancer. I miss your weird convictions, how you used to think you were invincible.

It’s going to be hard because it’s been so long — we’ll be like semblances of our former selves trying to embody them unsuccessfully. We’ll try to put each other at ease but it will be like drawing a thicker Sharpie line over the thin line you messed up which will result in a nebulous black blob. We’ll get drunk like we used to but not because we want to, it’s just what we remember. You’ll tell me some vague outline of your life and I’ll nod like I understand what you do at your job, but I won’t. I won’t understand a lot of things.

It’s going to be hard because no matter how great she is, I won’t be able to fake liking her. No, I’ll probably drink too much and say something mean, or drink too much and get lost inside my head. I’ll wonder what makes her so great, why you suddenly decided to call her “baby” and make me sleep on the couch. I’ll think she doesn’t know you like I do but the fact is I don’t even know you and I haven’t for awhile, though obviously I’ll ignore this fact.

I’m going to sit across the table and watch you weave your fingers into hers, chew the same crust of bread for five minutes and sip my cocktail and try to smile. I’m going to think you can’t tell her “I love you” and mean it because you’ve said it to me so many times and meant it and now you don’t so you’ve already used up that phrase, get a new phrase or keep your mouth shut. This will make me feel unhinged and I’ll find an excuse to send myself home early.

You love me differently just like I love you differently and people change and move on and blah blah, but why is this sort of distant love the hardest thing to handle? How do people handle this? Do they?

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I’m Still Not Ready To See You (via creatingaquietmind)

(via creatingaquietmind)

Text Thanks Gurl

My first ‘love’ was not even a relationship. It was a summer romance that started to turn into something more, but just ended in disaster.

I spent close to every single day of this summer, either with or talking to, this boy. He was younger than me, but I was like ya so? SO? so hes dumber. duh.

Eventually, once summer had ended he asked me out, like on a real date. I was excited to say the least, considering I had never really engaged in something as adult as that. The day came we were suppose to go out. What happened? he got high and made himself food. Cool, sweet. But we had already spent the day together and then continued to spend the night together so i told myself it wasn’t that bad. BUT COME ON- i had an outfit and everything. I was not happy.

That right there should have been a sign, but it wasn’t.

I was ready for things to get more serious, as my life was getting more serious, he wasn’t. This ended in disaster. But the worst part was it didn’t end, it just stopped.

A few weeks later a friend, not a close friend- but ya, sure, a friend-, of mine told me she wanted to talk (via fb). I had no idea about what. She then told me she hooked up with said ‘boy’ and thought that it was possibly turning into to something, and she hoped that was ok…

Ya! sure! Ok? omg yes thats ok! I only think about him everyday and i have no idea whats going on between us, so ya you go glenn coco.#not.

but ya, i acted like it was ok, even though it wasn’t. I literally felt like I was punched in the stomach when I found this out.
I wanted it to be ok so badly, all my friends told me to move on, i could do better, and I had bigger things to be doing.But I couldn’t stop thinking about him.

I thought by pretending it was ok and hiding my feelings and not saying to this girl that it was so not ok would be more productive, for myself and the situation. Wrong.

In the upcoming weeks said ‘friend’ continued to tweet and facebook the shit out of said boy. Eventually I freaked out via the internet and probably ended up looking like the asshole. Even though I wasn’t.

Lesson to be learned: had I been more honest and less love crazy maybe things would have turned out. Fuck everyone else and do what makes you happy.

*Side note: i ended things with him. Because of his commitment issues.

You can’t change people. You can only change and grow yourself. You can’t control people either, expect for yourself.

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Text Love

The ‘relationship’ started in June 2008, right after my 17^th birthday. Everything was going well, I was looking forward to my senior year of high school, just started my new job at the local grocery store and ready to have a fabulous summer with my friends. I was working mainly on the weekends so that I could have a lot of time to just relax. Boy was a sexy, 25 year old supervisor who had a girlfriend; totally off-limits. I was definitely interested, even though the whole thing was very…complicated. Somehow I got his cell phone number, and we began texting non-stop, flirting and just getting to know each other. I knew he had a girlfriend from the very beginning, so don’t get to thinking that I’m innocent in this story. Towards the end of summer we had talked about fooling around just the one time, a quick summer fling. Boy was worried about the guilt, and about me being led on, but I assured him it would be ok and that I wouldn’t get emotionally attached.

One night in late August after work, he drove me home. We stopped and got slurpees and went to a park right by my house. Sitting on the swings we were just chatting and laughing about something stupid our boss had done that day. Boy wanted to explore the lake area opposite the park, so we wandered down holding hands and laughing. There are really big rocks that you can sit on and just be by the lake. It was incredibly romantic. Moonlight and stars, a lake, a great guy, and as I went to hug him he turned my head and kissed me for the first time. I had butterflies in my stomach for the next few days! We texted lots, to the point where my mom took my phone away because the bill was huge, that’s when she found out about Boy. She was very understanding to be honest, especially considering her 17-year-old daughter was hanging around with a guy that was 8 years older and had a girlfriend. Just as a note, my mom was my rock through this whole experience, she was there to listen to me complain when he didn’t talk to me for days, and there when he broke my heart for the last time. She was aware of the entire situation (no details excluded) from the very beginning.

School started again, and he was finishing his last semester of university as I was just starting to look at universities. Boy became very busy and because I stopped working with him, I didn’t see him as often as I would have liked. I still would see him once or twice a month, texting lots in between and chatting on msn late at night sometimes. Throughout September we had been talking about taking the relationship to the ‘next level’ and I decided that I would trust him enough to be my first. It was a really warm September night (the 18^th) and we had spent the afternoon watching movies and listening to music, I was so happy because it was like summer repeating itself. We talked about it lots and he made sure that I wasn’t attached and that I wouldn’t regret it. I never got around to telling him that it was my first time. It was amazing, but I knew from that moment on that I was emotionally attached and that I had to have him all to myself. I really truly loved him.

Unfortunately he didn’t and doesn’t feel the same way. The next few months passed and we would hang out a lot on weekends. The countdown to my 18^th birthday was exciting for both of us. We planned out the whole day, and night, and as it got closer we were both ready to go. I always thought that when I was 18 everything would change, and that he would leave his girlfriend and he would love me and want me around like he wanted her. I look back now and see that it was very obvious that what I hoped wasn’t going to happen.

Grad was another big time for me. I was finally done high school and I was ready to celebrate with the one person I really wanted to be there. Boy and I were hanging out in early may, about a month before grad, and I brought up the subject of the banquet, and limos and dresses. We talked about it for a while, and he said that he didn’t feel that coming to the banquet in a tux, with me in my beautiful gown, with all my friends and my parents, would be the right thing to do. He said it would give the wrong impression. So I was happy enough to have him at the ceremony and take pictures of us together with my friends during the day. Secretly I was so upset that I would be going to grad alone and I couldn’t help but think that if he didn’t have a girlfriend it would be perfect. He would love me, I would love him, and there would be nothing to worry about. I began to resent his girlfriend. Some days I would wish I were her, and I would pray and beg that she would just leave and then he would be all mine.

Grad happened and everything was perfect, my parents were beaming at their only daughter finally finishing high school and my friends and I were all beautiful in our dresses. Then came my birthday and Boy was ready to show me a good time. I planned a night out at a bar, and he took me to dinner, then a martini bar, and then we met up with all my friends at a bar downtown. I spent all night with him, dancing and laughing and he made me really happy. After my 18^th things changed.

I was always being called crazy when I’d get mad because he would cancel plans, or forget that we were meeting somewhere. He became very distant, and told me that the guilt he felt was too much, and that he never should have let it gone this far. I confided in my friend Shawn and he said that Boy was a fool for letting it happen in the first place, and that I should stay away and try to move on. This happened about two weeks ago. I texted Boy and asked him to come over one morning while my parents were at work. I made breakfast, and we chilled in my hot tub for a few hours listening to music and joking around, just like old times. After about 3 hours he said he had to leave and pack for the trip he was taking to Vegas for a friends wedding. At that moment I realized that he was at the time in his life where he should be looking to get married, and settling down. As I walked him to the door I knew what I had to do. I hugged him, whispered I loved him and kissed him for the last time. He didn’t know that I had just told him goodbye in my own way.

When he came back from Vegas a few days later I texted him asking him how his trip was and seeing what he was up to for the next few days. He said that he had a strange feeling after seeing his best friend get married, and he said that he wanted to change and become a better person so that he could have that eventually. I told him I understood, because I did. I knew that when he saw his best friend walk down the aisle and feel the love in that room, I knew that he would feel guilty and that he would want that.

Truth is I wouldn’t want to spend the rest of my life with him. I mean, look at what he did to this woman that he supposedly loves. I just want him to be happy. I’ll always love him, and I know that if I need anything at all, he’s just a phone call away. It was hard to say goodbye to him, but by letting him end the whole thing, it made it a lot easier for me.

The sneaking around was kind of exciting, but I never really thought of it as sneaking around, I just thought of it as the time that I get to spend with him. I don’t regret any of the decisions I made, they were right for me at the time, and I wish things had turned out differently, but I got a great friend out of it who I can trust and who will never make me feel second best ever again.

His girlfriend never found out about me, although I did meet her a few times. I feel like a terrible person, and I’m truly sorry for what I did.

Text Shaun of the Dead puts it in perspective

After my first heartbreak, I was a wreck.

I think I sobbed in my bed for 24 striaght hours. What I found is that there is nothing anyone can say, not even my future self, to make me feel better. This is a kind of hurt than no one can fix but yourself. You just have to take the pain and eventually get over it.

If you have to say something, I’d use a line from Shaun of the Dead, “I’m not gonna say, you know, there’s plenty more fish in the sea. I’m not going to say if you love her, let her go. And I’m not going to bombard you with clichés. But what I will say is this- It’s not the end of the world.”

Link That's how love should be

I listened to this song everyday when a boy I liked told me he didn’t like me anymore. I still haven’t buckled down my boots, but I’ve forgotten all about him and still get inspired by this song.

Text Don’t find him. He will find you.

Those were the words my mom said to me every time I came to her or called her crying about boys.

My first relationship ended after only a few months. We were friends first, and then ended up dating. But after the first month, he changed. He was rude to my parents and came over to my house and spent hours playing on his computer. When my dad asked him why I was sitting alone on the couch, he responded, “I told her I could teach her how to play and she said no.” I did say no, but because I wanted him to pay attention to me and not his stupid game. He didn’t pay attention to me at all that night. I wish I could say I ended it but I didn’t. I tried to apologize we he got upset with my parents, but suddenly he was giving me the silent treatment. He wanted to talk in person, but avoided every opportunity. Eventually, he broke up with me by text message on spring break with my family. For weeks I tried to figure out what I did wrong and cried at night when no one else was awake. That was the first time my mom told me: “Don’t try to find the right guy. He will find you.” And at first, I blew her off. This resulted in many flings and short relationships that only hurt me more and left me in smaller pieces. The last relationship was with a guy I had worked with for 2 years who was going into the Air Force. I missed every warning sign that he was trouble until it was too late. I finally gave up because I couldn’t take anymore pain. I figured there was something wrong with me and that I obviously didn’t deserve anyone decent.

The last two weeks that the Airman and I were together, I began rushing an honorary Fraternity (girls can join too) and I began meeting all of the brothers. One of them was really sweet and friendly. He and I ended up talking about how bad my relationship was getting. When I ended it, he sat with me while tried get over everything that had happened. I quickly went into my “men suck” funk where I figured that I must not deserve a decent boyfriend. I stopped looking for a boyfriend and stopped caring about having one. It was shortly after then that that one brother decided to tell me he liked me. We are still together months later, even though we had to go home from college to different states. He treats me so much better than any of those other boys and I couldn’t be happier.

So my advice? My moms! Don’t find him, let him find you! The amazing one will find YOU in the end. In the mean time, take some time for yourself and do what makes you happy. (Toothpastefordinner.com)

Quote 4
Notes

"Every instance of heartbreak can teach us powerful lessons about creating the kind of love we really want."

Martha Beck

Text Having the “upper hand”

My first real break up was ended by me. I had been dating my best friend for about a year (give or take) and we had already tried that whole “taking a break” thing once. I loved him with all my heart but couldn’t actually see myself with him in the future. I would start to get snappy at him and bossy and annoyed over all the little things and I could see that I was hurting him. He loved me too much to end things, which I almost would have preferred, so I knew what I had to do.

I broke up with him. It was a healthy break up, we talked for so long about why it wasn’t working, how much we’ll always care about one another, and how the past year had been nothing short of amazing. I could tell that he was trying to be strong through out our conversation. He didn’t want to cry. He didn’t want to beg. And I think it’s because he also knew that it wasn’t ever going to last between us.

I was hurt for awhile, not because we had a terrible break up but because I wanted to WANT to be with him for the rest of my life. I didn’t understand why my feelings had changed over the months when I clearly knew how wonderful he was. I mean, it’s not every day that you find a genuine, lovable, hilarious, and handsome guy. I thought something was wrong with me, but as time passed, my mixed feelings passed, too.

It was tough, I must admit, to see him in pictures with other girls or to hear about him hooking up with other girls. There were times when I wanted to call and tell him to stop, but I knew better. We had made a rule to not communicate for a few weeks in hopes that it would help us get out of our routine of calling and talking at the end of each day. Making that rule is VITAL for a clean break up. I still had those urges, though, so pick up the phone and say, “listen, I know we agreed not to talk for a little while but i miss you…”

He was going through just as much, if not more, than I was. He was doing what we all do when someone ends a good thing, trying to move on.

I eventually met another guy who I’ve been dating for about 5 months now. Things actually feel right when I’m with him and I understand myself more than I ever thought I could.

So it’s true, being the one who ends things doesn’t mean you have the Upper Hand. There will never be a “right time” or a “right place” to break up nor is there ever an upper hand in the situation. Break ups leave a scar. But we learn and we grow and we cope and we move forward and you know what? We eventually find someone else and build a new relationship that wouldn’t be possible without the knowledge from that first, terrible break up. That’s the beauty of being human, when we fall down, we get right back up and learn from our mistakes; and we do it over and over and over again until we come out victorious.

Video

It’s like forgetting
the words
to your favorite song
You can’t remember
you were always just singin’ along.